Monday, September 18, 2017

Overwatch Match Highlights 12 - 25 Miles (The Gibraltar Reaper).

On Saturday night, my insomnia was taking its toll.  I'd gotten probably ten hours over the last two nights, and it was already late - midnight or closer to 1AM.  My brother had played with me for a few hours, but my aim was shitty.  I was just not landing my shots.  Was it the late hour?  The lack of sleep?  Did I just suddenly suck?  Or suck more?

I couldn't say, but I knew I wasn't getting to sleep any time soon, so I fired an email at Alex - who I could see was enjoying his time in Destiny 2 - and asked if he was up for some Overwatch.

"Yeah, 1 round," he wrote back.

And I don't know what the fuck I was thinkin'.  I have no idea what I was thinkin', but - for our one game together after I'd sucked out loud left and right in quickplay for the last two hours, operating on way-too-little sleep - I suggested competitive mode.

I haven't touched competitive since I did my placements with my brother, weeks ago.  I have my phobias, what can I say?  Alex has only done one of his placement matches - he just hit level 25 (which you have to reach before you can play comp) a week or two ago.

Alex agreed.  We wound up on Gibraltar, and he instalocked Lucio.  I hovered over Tracer, for a moment, and went Mercy - confident that Alex's excellent Lucio and my pretty-darned-good Mercy could more than support a capable team to victory, while sidestepping the evening's issue of my newly-terrible aim.

Then, I met Trash_Reaper.

0:00 - 0:34 : I get nothing done.  Nothing.  Every time I show up, this fucking Reaper just wrecks my shit.  I know I mumble so it may be hard to make out in the video, but that's me talkin' - and what I say is...

1st kill : Nothing.  I just ran right into his guns.  Like a sleep-deprived moron.

2nd kill : "Gold guns, too..."  (Again, my positioning was terrible.)

3rd kill : "I feel like I'm not gettin' much done, here."  (I was stalling a payload by myself - idiot.)

4th kill : "Okay, well I'm not goin' Mercy for these guys on attack." (I have now decided that my idiotic positioning is not the problem - the problem is my team's complete inability to get picks.)

I remember telling Alex, halfway through the round, that "this just happens sometimes."  That sometimes, you're put up against a team that you couldn't possibly beat - they're just simply better than you - and "it's a complete blowout."  To his credit, Alex never got salty or negative about the experience, and we forged ahead.

Please note, at this point, that I have zero eliminations.

I switch to Tracer.

0:35 - 0:58 : This is twenty or more seconds into the round - my team was dying as I went on a big flank around the back of the reds, and I drop in to start beating on the Orisa.  I change my mind at the last minute and go for the more-meaningful flank on the Hanzo while Orisa chips me up from behind, and rewind into a reverse blink back through her shield, where the red Genji is trying to take cover.

I get the killing blow on him, fill up Orisa with so much damage that my team easily finishes her off, and then it's a perfect clip into Ana to finish the teamfight.

I have my rewind.  I coulda' used it, but I was so confident in the fight being essentially over that I figure I'll get to the payload and Alex to fill up on health.

Then, Trash_Reaper picks me from behind as I leap off the high ground.  He's gone Tracer.

1:17 - 1:24 : Look, it was a really nice pick (I blinked into a corner instead of through the door - my fault), but you're gonna' teabag me?  ORLY?  Well then I'm gonna' teabag you!

1:24 - 1:31 : Not yet.  But soon.

1:31 - 1:36 : Ohhh that mega health pack was so clooose you were sooo cloooose yeahhh that must stiiiing yeahhhh teabaggin' ya yeahhhh how's that feel?  Yeahhhhh eat it, motherfucker.  I hope it tastes salty as fuck.

I felt super-shitty about it, but don't teabag me.  It's shitty.  And you made me shitty.

1:36 - 1:44 : Aaaaahahahahahahahahaaaaah.

1:44 - 1:59 : Trash_Reaper is the first pick of the first push after the second checkpoint, and once he's out of the picture we roll up his team like a carpet.

1:59 - 2:07 : Are you sick of gettin' killed by me yet?  Mmmm yumyum so salty, so salty...

2:07 - ... So - after an absolutely one-sided first round - Alex, our team and I managed to get the payload all the way to the end on our attack round.

What does the enemy team do?

Well, two of them bail.  They just leave. 

And it feels shitty.  I didn't want to be handed the win against the epic and salty Reaper, but now?  Now he's got no chance and for us?  Well damn, for us it's a goddamned holiday.  We're fuckin' around and taking our time - ignoring the fact that Trash_Reaper remains, and is now more determined than ever.  He goes Bastion on their defense round, and we..?

We don't get handed anything.

It's tooth-and-nail, but we're still not taking it seriously enough.  We abandon the payload just after the first checkpoint - because we're all idiots, I imagine - and move on to our defense round.

He comes out with his gold guns Reaper again (and knocks my teeth in), but quickly switches back to Bastion.  His meager four-player team assembles the tightest, cheesiest comp they can - Rein, Bastion, Mercy and a pretty darned excellent Hanzo - very hard to dislodge if they're positioned well, but me on Tracer, our Pharah and our Hanzo keep him shut down every time he pokes his head out.

I only get the killing blow on him, when he's Bastion, once - at 3:17 - and he kills me after my dive before I can rewind - but I will happily trade with your Bastion, Trash_Reaper.  Your team not having you is a much bigger deal than my team not having me.

At the end, this team of four got it to within ten yards of where my team pushed it on our holiday attack phase.  We were all on the point, going absolutely crazy, and when the victory splash went up there was a great sigh of relief.

I realized I had to tell Trash_Reaper what an incredible job he'd done.  To make us fight so hard for it while two players down?  I've never seen anything like it.

Aw, you're welcome, buddy.  You salty teabaggin' terror, you.  Luck of the Irish, what can I say?  And better luck to you, next time.

And next time, hopefully, you'll be on my team.

Oh, and remember how I pointed out that I got zero elims in the first round?


I have the best games when I'm playing with Alex.

Oop, and I forgot to mention...

...this little cutie showed up!


  1. You should hide a motion sensor on it that goes: "TRACER HERE!" a little too loud.

    1. No, she'd just say "hi!" "Heya!" "Hi!" at seemingly random times that both endear her to and infuriate the listener.