Saturday, November 9, 2013

REVIEW - Arkham Origins Blackgate.

Arkham Origins Blackgate didn't make a bad first impression, but that first impression doesn't last.  It's boring, man.  It is so goddamned boring and whenever I play it I'm reminded that I could be playing any number of fun games that game out on Vita this year like Dragon's Crown, Killzone Mercenary, Muramasa or Guacamelee.

But I'm not.  I'm playing Arkham Origins Blackgate, and it's tedious.  Occasionally - rarely, not often enough - you'll get into fights with some goons in a 2.5-D approximation of standard Arkham combat, which isn't so much offensive as it is inelegant and untrustworthy when compared to its console counterparts' gold standard.

The time between those little semi-acceptable brawls (nowhere near as fun as any number of other brawler-centric games on Vita) is an eternity of wandering samey corridors and banging one's head against a near-useless map for ten, twenty, thirty minutes at a time as one tries to figure out where the fuck you're supposed to go next to make something cool happen.

I say "something cool" with a bit of arrogance, I'm afraid.  To suggest Blackgate has something cool to show me is presumptive of me, as in the hour or two I've spent with the title thus far, it hasn't actually shown me anything cool.  It's got Batman, but we've had dozens of games with Batman in them, and none of them were any good until Rocksteady took up the mantle with Arkham Asylum.  Where Origins simply tarnished the gleam Rocksteady had put on the Arkham name, Blackgate seems to be hell bent on wringing all the good will the series had purchased out of the player with counter-intuitive mechanics, a near-total lack of communication of its design, glacial pacing and score on the Fun-O-Meter that rates about zero.

Y'know what?  No.  I'm not even going to finish this turd.  Consider this your review, Blackgate.

You suck.

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