Okay EA, let's kick things off.
Now, going on the last two years' press conferences, Electronic Arts' is gonna' be terribad. For years they've done this thing where they talk a lot and show a little, and what they show are just hints of games coming years away. At the very least, we should see some hot hot Star Wars action - maybe even a new game announcement!
Let's strap in.
And heeere we go. Wow it looks like it's actually starting on time (weird!).
Kickin' things off with a sizzle reel. Need for Speed, FIFA, Madden, Star Wars Battlefront, Battlefield 1... yadda yadda yadda.
And there is like a football drum band on stage for Madden 18. Alrighty!
And now it's a trailer for Madden's campaign mode... and like player character's father is the guy from Moonlight? Campaign's called Long Shot.
CEO Andrew Wilson is up. "That's Madden like you've never seen it. That's the most innovative Madden we've done in over a decade." Adding a campaign? Okay.
Now he's talking up all the stations they have available to play games at the show. Over the next hour "we'll go into 8 major reveals." Alrighty!
He says they got a lot of "constructive" feedback on Star Wars Battlefront, and says they've addressed it all with Battlefront II. But now they're talking about Battlefield 1 and bragging about having over 20 million sales, and new maps are coming to Battlefield 1. Six new maps, the Russian army, the Husar cavalry, and the Women's Batallion of Death. All coming in September in a "In The Name of the Tsar" pack.
And now a trailer for it...
I hate it when my crimson gets hard.
Now Patrick Soderlund is up. He says a "competitive Battlefield experience" is coming to Battlefield, and there will be more info a GamesCom in August. "This fall we're launching the largest FIFA championship ever..." now he's talking about sports so I'm taking a nap.
Now they're showin' a bunch of clips from FIFA and Madden tourneys.
And now we've got a new FIFA trailer... as a North American, I feel I should point out that I don't get the whole soccer thing in Europe/South America. And now a pair of Men in Blazers are here to talk about FIFA. Why do EA and Microsoft always bring up minor celebrities to talk about their games?
But on the other hand I guess it would be cool if you brought up like Greg Miller to talk about indies or something, so maybe these two are the same for the Soccer Enthusiast Community?
They're still talking about sports. I don't know what to do, here.
I could smoke a cigarette, I guess...
Oh apparently the point of all this is that the kid who was the protagonist of FIFA's last campaign will be returning for the next game. Yay?
"The Journey: Hunter Returns."
And now they've brought up a "YouTube Creator" to introduce the executive producer of the next Need for Speed game? Poor guy, he was so nervous.
"We are putting you behind the wheel of an action-driving fantasy."
"We're putting a new narrative into the game where you play three characters," all with unique characters. It's open world. Tons of customization, and "relics" - abandoned custom cars that "you transform from scrap to stock to supercars."
Ooh now he's talking about EA Originals (remember Unravelled?). Basically indies.
Okay, it's the next thing from the Brothers: A Tale of Two Sons dev. It's called A Way Out. And it looks... double-A. Realistic setting... in a prison... "a co-op adventure." Well, they bust out of prison... and there's a lot more action outside...
Shit this doesn't look bad. It looks like what Telltale wishes they could do.
Damnit. That looks good. That is a worth watching trailer.
"The game is designed for split-screen co-op only. And I mean only." You can play online, but they want you to play it with your friend on your couch. "Gameplay wise it's going to be crazy. Exploration, driving, action - you won't get tired of this game, I'm telling you."
Wow they're giving him time to show a gameplay video. Looks liiike... a low-rent Uncharted.
Y'know what, EA? This is better than I expected from you.
Oop now they're talking about SEED - Search of Extraordinary Experiences Division. Basically they're trying to discover and promote cool new technologies - but it's mostly a lot of meaningless buzzwords and I have no idea what SEED is actually doing.
Ohhh shiiits now he's talking about Scorpio! He's showing off Frostbite screens on Scorpio. "The most detailed, high-resolution environments you've seen on a console."
"The next game will push every boundary for you. It is vast, dangerous and unexpected."
"The first glimpse of our brand-new IP from... BioWare." Dafuq? It's just a teaser. Sci-fi. A giant wall, some monsters, some space marines... Anathem - full gameplay reveal at Xbox's presser.
Now they're talkin' NBA, so I'm going to have a pee.
Now they're promising that Star Wars footage is coming, and talking about the charities they support. No, you're still evil, EA. You still fucked up Dead Space 3 and I'll never forgive you.
A bunch of games will be free on Origin this week - sports, Garden Warfare, Star Wars Battlefront... kewl.
Heheh now they're showing a bunch of Tweets asking for a campaign in Battlefront. And now a bunch of Storm Troopers are walking out onstage with a lady in like an... evil cocktail dress? It's totally a vader-styled cocktail dress. Oh it's the actor who plays the lead in the Battlefront II campaign (the Imperial Special Forces commander).
Ohh I see the thing on her shoulder is styled after her character's military uniform. Clever! Ish.
Battlefront II will have "three times the content" of the first game. "In multiplayer there are more heroes, more vehicles, more planets, more spacefighters and... content across all eras."
And now instead of showing Battlefront II footage, they're showing interviews with "game changers" - pro-ish Battlefront players flown out to Stockholm to give them feedback on Battlefront II. "Watching these guys play the game is way better than seeing the game," said no one ever.
"The gunplay and the weapons have been completely re-done compared to the first Battlefront."
And now, finally, the world premiere of Battlefront II multiplayer. Yayyy.
Mannnn this is... ridiculously good-looking... "Yoda, Darth Maul, Wookies, Kylo Ren Vs. Rey." She's legitimately enthused about this - I like her!
Oh shits is the guy who plays Finn in the new trilogy. "We've seen Yoda, we've seen Luke, we've seen all the other characters, but where's Finn?" Finn will be there with Captain Phasma as part of FREE DLC this holiday season.
"Free seasonal content post-launch for all players at no additional charge."
And now they're gonna' show a gameplay round. I'm gonna' go fullscreen.
This gameplay is actually turning me off Battlefront II. I'm comin' from Overwatch, man, you better step it up.
Not... bad... wish we'd've seen more Rey gameplay, but Darth Maul looks like a frickin' hurricane.
And this, finally, is the point at which they might actually surprise us with a new triple-A reveal. I don't feel like Anathem counts.
So c'mon, EA, close it out with a bang here.
Nope, that's it, they're done.
Mmmmmmeh. You get a D, EA. I feel like this was the bare minimum you could've done without royally screwing it up.